How To Be Happy...

The topic for my speech was "happiness".
More specifically, I was to instruct my classmates on how they could find happiness.
I contemplated the topic for an extremely long time.
I mulled over the word "happy".
I thought of the times that I have been most happy.
I had finally come to the realization that "happiness" for me, is not something that anyone can give to me.
Happiness is a gift that I give to myself.
I find happiness when I put a smile on my face.
When I talk to a stranger.
When I converse with patients at the hospital.
When I listen to a friend who needs an ear.
When I compliment that same downtrodden friend.
And lift that person up.
When I write love notes expressing my appreciation, admiration, and belief in another human soul.
When my two little loves climb into bed with me in the middle of the night.
When I come home from a long day and they bolt towards me, arms wide open for me to embrace.
When those little boys express their love to me in simple notes, and kisses.
When my kindergartener holds the door open for strangers.
(Because I know I'm teaching them all the things that matter)
When I offer an ear, a hug, a laugh to someone in need.
I find happiness when I step outside of myself.
When I sing at the top of my lungs.
When I have dance parties in my kitchen.
When I cook a meal from scratch for someone I love.
I find happiness when I share myself.

I stood in front of my classmates.
I took a deep breath, and I instructed them to smile.
And I made them hold it.
In that moment, the spirit of the room lifted.
And then I opened my mouth and profoundly stated,
"Life is a bummer."
Because it is.
I listed several excuses that I could give myself to not be happy.
And why I could look at  my life as being less than great.
But I am blessed.
Because I remember how blessed I am, I find happiness.

I gave just 3 simple examples to my classmates on how I have found happiness:
Smiling.
Being empathetic.
Offering simple service.
I went on about how doing those things in various ways and in many environments has changed my outlook, and made my path a happy one.
At the end of my speech, I sat quietly in my seat.
And as per classroom custom, I nervously awaited my critique.

The first critique was given.
My friend gushed to the class about how I am a true example of being happy, and empathetic, and always smiling.
Tears roll down my face.
Another friend expressed that my speech was validated by my expertise in being happy, and that I continuously make his day.
And more tears run down my face.
Positive affirmation after positive critique were given about my simple words.
And the simple tears turn into a full blown hysterical cry.
But I am smiling.
I look next to me, and my friends are also crying.

I realize in this moment, that I am making a difference in the lives of my friends.
And I directly affect the mood of those around me.
In this moment my heartache isn't hurting so much.
The hundred reasons that I have to be angry or upset or bitter have literally melted from my soul to the floor, and out of my body.
And I am happy.
Because I have enhanced the happiness of the people that I love.

That's what it's all about.
Loving.
This speech might have been about giving an instruction, but it was so much more than that.
Those few minutes of critique were gifted to me. To show ME the capacity of my heart, and how much more love and happiness I have to give.
I learned that day that loving others is my happiness.

So Many Lessons Learned...

I had the idea to create a blog that made-fun of my uncountable, uncomfortable, hilarious romantic interactions.
Whether I had experienced a terrible, yet comical first date; or had entered into an actual relationship with a complete moron, I felt as if I had something to write about after many of these encounters.
I had the profound idea that I would tell, in my most sarcastic writing voice, the story of how I have survived the dating scene.
And how I have somehow managed to keep at it.
I have drafts of stories, and secrets, and punchlines... Just waiting to be published.
I was never quite sure why I hadn't started sharing the stories that have made so many of my friends burst into hysterics.
Turns out, those aren't the stories that are meant to be told.
Because even though I have dated a slew of train wrecks waiting to happen, who's to say that they weren't trying their best? Who am I to make-fun of, and laugh at the dates that have helped me grow up?
I am quite certain the lessons, and the things I've learned and gained from such unique experiences are so much healthier for me to share.
After all.
Anyone can be cynical.
I feel that it takes something unique, deep down inside of me, to keep searching for Prince Charming amongst the warty frogs.
And here's the kicker...
I actually believe that he's out there.
Just waiting for me.
For us.

Here I go....
Honesty. Reflection. Trials. Heartbreak. Mishap. Beauty. Magic. Love.

Love. Love. Love.

Once Upon A...

I'm feeling a bit like Rapunzel lately.
Imagine a tower so high, that you can't quite make out the top yet.
It's a steady spiral of red brick, and lush green vine.
In the daytime you must squint to make out a peep hole of a window,
and in the dark of night, you can sometimes see the flicker of a candle, outlining something that almost looks like a young lady.

I'm up there.
In that tower.
Just alone.
This beating heart and I.

It's hard to pinpoint why exactly I'm isolated.
I certainly have isolated myself.
Not because I LIKE to be antisocial.
Certainly not because I don't enjoy the company of others.
But I have so much to accomplish before it's too late.
And these two little boys deserve a mom that
WANTS TO BE THEIR MOM.

And I suppose I've built this giant tower for myself because I assume nobody will get it
None of you will understand.
And the bed I've made is mine alone to lie in at night
To internalize and digest and assess
all of the mistakes and the heartache.

I'm not brave enough to come down from my tower yet.
I will not let my hair down.
I will not let you in.
I will not show my weakness.

YET

Give me some time, and maybe I'll start to venture
And maybe I'll be a little less selfish
And ready to start breaking down this tower
And little by little- I'll love.
Fiercely, Freely, and Insanely